Things not to do in front of: Yassen
by awesomehatyougotthere
Summary: Are you annoying? Do you have some sort of death wish? Then breaking these rules will garuntee a painful death! 10 Things not do to in front of Yassen, do it and die. A PROPER CHAPTER 4 is now up. Thanks for all the reveiws!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there guys! This is my first thing on FF, so I hope you like it. Reviews would really help also, so enjoy this short peice of writing, and tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Alex Rider and all of it's contents, You would not be reading this on the internet, now would you?**

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Things not to do around Yassen Gregorovich.

1) DO NOT steal his phone while he is asleep, then change his ring tone to "Ring, ring, ring, ring, banana phone!"

2) When you ask him to aid you in your plan to kill every school kid in England, make sure you DO NOT concern the name or person 'Alex Rider' in any way. If you hurt Alex, Yassen will kill you. If you stop him from saving everyone, he will look like a failure, and Yassen will kill you.

3) DO NOT ask him if his gun works. If he says "Let me test it, just to make sure," RUN.

4) DO NOT ask him "How do you give someone a Chinese burn?"

5) DO NOT ask if he 'Lives by the creed'

6) If you see Yassen over by some boats while your on holiday, DO NOT pursue him, go back to letting your girl friend's Dad get blown up.

7) DO NOT replace all his weapons with mini plastic water pistols.

8) DO NOT put songs like the 'Barney theme tune', 'Peanut butter jelly time', or 'what's the story in Balamory' over his Mozart classics CD.

9) DO NOT insult John Rider in front of him.

10) DO NOT scribble swear words in lot's of different languages all over his 'Learn to speak…" dictionary.

NOTE: TRY THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF HIM IF YOU MUST, BUT REMEMBER, DON'T COME RUNNING TO ME WHEN HE SHOOTS YOUR FACE OFF. THANK YOU.

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	2. Chapter 2

Things not to do in front of: Alex

1) DO NOT go around haunting him, with buttons instead of eyes, saying: "I'm your other father, silly."

2) When you go on holiday with Alex, make sure your name is NOT Sabina Pleasure. Your Dad WILL be blown up.

3) When you have been shot in the chest on Air Force 1, and Alex is talking to you, DO NOT say: "Find Scorpia… Find your destiny…" The chances are he'll end up trying to shoot Mrs Jones… not that anyone likes her much any way.

4) DO NOT ask if he has any of that 'explosive' chewing gum left. If he says to you: "Yeah, do want to try a bit? It tastes like strawberries!" RUN.

5) When you are exchanging horror stories with him, DO NOT mention Yassen Gregorovich. He will wet himself with fear, get very embarrassed and beat you up.

6) DO NOT follow him around on missions or anywhere else for that matter, singing: The James Bond theme tune. Or yelling "Look, it's a teenage super spy!"

7) DO NOT hit him, then when he asks why you did so, say: "I was testing your reflexes."

8) DO NOT play the Beethoven disc on Alex's Discman, and end up cutting his leg off.

9) DO NOT steal his stun-grenade/football-mascot and 'accidentally' set it off on the London underground when standing next to him. Terrorist.

10) DO NOT pretend to work for MI6, and say: I know that all seven of your friends are terrorists, fortunately, I have had them all apprehended. Their names, as you know, are: Bin Sleepin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin, Bin Behind-the-shed- Kissin, Bin lazin and Tom. They have all been taken into custody.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm so sorry the last chapter wasn't as good as the first! The thing was, I was rapidly running out of ideas! I only have a few for Smithers I'm afraid, however, to make up for my recent failure, I'm going to write a short (Possibly funny) story about Yassen and an annoying man called Jeeves. Enjoy!**

**Things not to do in front of: Smithers**

1) DO NOT steal his car, go too fast past a speed camera, then use his built in homing missiles to avoid a speeding fine.

2) DO NOT follow him around singing: 'Da da da da da da inspector gadget!'

3) DO NOT say: "Smithers, your inflatable suit has activated itself. Oh, my bad, it's not your suit, it's your fat."

**Yeah… that was it I'm afraid. Sorry. But on with the story! I'll try to make this funny (which means it probably wont be) and I'll try to include your favourite; Things not to do around: Yassen. This is going to be my first story so… hope you enjoy!**

The many suicide attempts of: Jeeves, the annoying man.

It was two o'clock in the morning, Jeeves was creeping silently around the house. His mentor, Yassen Gregorovich was surely still asleep. What Jeeves was about to do, was probably suicide. He silently opened the door to his mentor's bedroom. The room was dark, with only a hint of moon light seeping in through the parting in the curtains. To his relief Yassen was sleeping soundly. He spied the phone on the bedside table and grinned to himself. Swiftly, he edged over to the phone, snatching it up one fluent hand movement. Then he turned and backed out of the room, hopefully unnoticed. Jeeves slowly shut the door the sprinted down the corridor. He flipped up the lid of the phone and the light stung his eyes, but this did not put him off his intentions. He pressed a silver button, the screen flickered and a menu came up. Jeeves selected 'Settings'. He scanned his eyes up and down the screen, setting his gaze on 'Call settings'. He pressed down, the screen flickered and changed again. His eyes met several options:

Caller ID

New contact

Ring tone

Your number

Call volume

With a smirk, Jeeves settled with 'Ring tone'. He flicked through the many ring tones on Yassen's phone. "Cow bell, maracas, man falling off of cliff…" Jeeves muttered to himself, reading the titles of the tunes. With an evil grin, Jeeves spied the last tune on the list: Banana phone. Quickly, Jeeves' independent mind hatched a morbid plan. He couldn't help himself, it just had to be done.

Stealthily, Jeeves returned the phone to Yassen's bedside table. He crept back to his own room, opened his drawer and rifled through it's contents: Milky bar wrappers, a pack of non-toxic crayons, a vial of poison, three throwing knives… "Ooh, so that's where my chewee bar I opened three months ago got to!" He said in surprise, he picked it up and took a bite. "Hmm… Tastes like sprouts and pineapple… considering it was meant to be caramel… Hang on, why is there blue fur on it? Ah well, it must add to the flavour and nutritional value!" He nodded to himself, before taking another swift bite. Eventually he found his own phone. He turned it on, brushing the fluff and dust off of it's screen. He went straight to the contacts menu and searched for Yassen's number. After praying to God and writing his will, Jeeves pressed call.

From down the corridor, Jeeves could hear: "Ring, ring, ring, ring, BANANA PHONE!" Followed by: "JEEVES!" In a harsh, angry voice.

Jeeves snorted to himself. He collapsed backwards onto his bed in floods of laughter. His chewed chewee bar dropped out of his mouth and stuck itself into the carpet of Jeeves' room. Suddenly the door was torn open. Yassen burst in a gun fixed firmly in his hand, Jeeves was annoyed Yassen still had his emotionless mask on, he wanted to see the man turn tomato red with steam fuming out of his ears. Like the Hogwarts express. Yassen slammed Jeeves against the wall, he pressed the gun against his head. Jeeves started laughing. "What's so funny?" Yassen questioned his student. "Your, your gun!" Jeeves gasped in between fits of laughter. Suddenly Yassen jolted back, staring at his gun, however it was not a gun, it was a hot pink plastic water pistol, made in China. "Where is my gun?" Yassen demanded, for once Jeeves could hear a slight note of fury in his voice. "It's not polite to enter someone's room without knocking first." Jeeves said, a tone of satisfaction in his voice. A small flicker of annoyance appeared in Yassen's cold eyes. "It is also impolite to change someone's ring tone while they are asleep, to some annoying tune, then wake them up with it." Yassen replied blankly. "Yeah… still, could have been worse!" Jeeves piped. Yassen tilted his head to one side, Jeeves continued, "I could have set it off on the London underground."

Yassen's expression didn't change. He nodded slowly, then said "Damn you Jeeves. You'll be running thirty miles if you ever think about doing that from this point forward. Anyway, seeing as we are both awake, we may as well go downstairs for breakfast."

Jeeves nodded at Yassen, then followed him downstairs. "Yassen…" Jeeves said suddenly. Yassen paused. "What?" He sighed, "How do you give someone a Chinese burn?" Jeeves asked. Yassen turned to look at his student. He bit back an evil grin. "Come here, and I will show you… Give me your arm…"

**It wasn't as short as it was meant to be, but never mind, hoped you liked it, I think it's kinda… not as good as it should be… sorta… I dunno. There MIGHT be more from Jeeves and Yassen, again I'm sorry about the second chapter. I would like to say a MASSIVE THANKYOU to all who reviewed, I liked hearing about what you enjoyed. Also, IGotObsessiveCullendisorder, thank you so much for the review on the second chapter. I had just literally put it on the site when you reviewed! Keep reviewing people!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! I know I said I had run out of ideas… well… this one just came to me at 1:00 AM. It's just a quick one, but I hope you enjoy it anyway! THANKYOU SO VERY MUCH TO ALL WHO HAVE REVEIWED! It means a lot to me. Anyway, on with the chapter. Enjoy!**

Yassen loaded his water pistol in a nearby sink. Jeeves still hadn't given his gun back, so he'd had to make do, using the pistol as a stunner, then beating the hell out of his enemy. Yassen slowly opened the bathroom door, cautiously, checking the corner, a figure emerged out of the shadows of the dark corridor. Yassen snapped the gun up. Jeeves stepped into the light. The gun was lowered. "Jeeves. Did you defuse the bomb? I'm getting a lot of money for protecting this terrorist complex," Yassen pressed. Jeeves bit his lip "Jeeves, please tell me-"

Jeeves looked at Yassen.

"I was just about to, but the ice cream man went past and-"

Yassen grabbed Jeeves by the collar of his shirt, dragging him down the corridor, muttering multiple Russian swear words to Jeeves as he went. "Damn it Jeeves, how long do we have left?" Yassen hissed. Jeeves casually glanced at his watch, "About… two minutes…" Yassen swore loudly in Russian. "Idiot!" He cursed, grabbing Jeeves by the back of his shirt, pulling him roughly down the dark corridor. "Move faster Jeeves!"

In the room with the ticking bomb, Jeeves was forced down on his knees by his mentor. "Defuse it!" He snapped.

Jeeves set to work instantly, expertly working through the wires until he found the right one. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a rabbit. "Nope… that's not it…" He reached in again, this time pulling out: A car, another pocket, the complete series of 'friends' on DVD, a sky scraper, a mammoth, three toilets, two thousand pounds, then finally… "Ah ha! Here it is!" Some wire cutters. He snipped the wire and stood up. Yassen looked at his student. "Done?" He asked. Jeeves nodded. "Now follow me to the car Jeeves, we need to go to the local store. I'm dying for a donut."

In the car, Yassen and Jeeves sped down the motor way. "The nearest donut shop is… five minutes away." A SAT-NAV said robotically. Yassen turned off at the round about, then down a street. Then, suddenly, Jeeves broke the silence. "Yassen…" He said, pondering. Yassen turned his icy gaze on the apprentice. "I was meant to cut the yellow wire… wasn't I?"

Behind the two, a massive mushroom cloud erupted into the air. Yassen's foot slammed on the break, bringing them to an abrupt halt. "Jeeves, you're meant to cut the red wire. Don't just go for your favourite colour. Ah well… there goes my 3 million dollars… And my Saturday evening…"

**Well, there we have it. In my opinion, it wasn't that good, but I hope you liked it anyway! If you haven't read my latest fic: Alex on Red Bull, then please do. Reviews, as always would be lovely. The chances of me continuing this fic are very slim, so don't bother asking unless you have an Idea for me to use. For instance: Yassen and Jeeves go to IKEA. Hey, that could be one! Anyway, please review.**

**Awesomehatyougotthere **


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